Just Like Me

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As you may already know, I love my children. They mean the world to me, word’s can not even begin to really express it. Each day I realize they really are little replicas of me. Even my son. His little fears and habits mirror mine as a child, although he was not even a thought when I was his age. It’s crazy how much of me I see in them.

So, tonight I decided to have a “me time” bubble bath. I sat in the dark with just the light from my laptop playing music and my wax warmer. I was in there for about, maybe 30 minutes before my daughter came barging in. Which is actually a good amount of time considering how often they usually interrupt me in the bathroom, lol. So, she sees I have the lights off and I’m taking a “bubbly bath” as she calls it and that I have music playing. She proceeds to ask how come I get to take a bubbly bath (mind you she had just taken a bath this morning.) So, I tell her I’ll let her take one in their bathroom when I’m done. So, she leaves back out to go play as she and my son were doing before she barged in. Then around the time I finally decide to get out of the bath she’s back at the bathroom door trying to peak in and speak to me (she’s definitely persistent.) So, this time she says I want to take a bath with bubbles, and only one light and with music too. LOL! So, I told her okay Kristi I’ll let you have all of that after I get dressed.

Long story short, my 6 year old is now in the bath tub (which is something she normally fusses about having to do at night) with bubble, kidz bop playing, a scented candle lit, lights off and a barbie doll. And yet she’s still calling out “MOMMY” every 30 secs with more request. SMH, LOL! Children, gotta love ’em!

Meanwhile my handsome little boy is glued to his new game system 🙂

Life’s Small Challenges

One of the hardest things about being a single mom is having to do things like take your child to the doctor when they’re sick by yourself. It really sucks and makes me a bit emotional; though I can’t say I’d be much better if their dad was here because I don’t particularly enjoy his presence. I guess the idea of having extra support there for times like these or even school events just provokes my sentimental side.

It’s great that I can call on my dad to attend father daughter events for my daughter or be my son’s role model and almost idol (he adores my dad) but it’s not the same. I know what’s lacking and I just keep praying for that gap to be filled. I do al that I can as their mom but I’m just their mom. I want them to have what I had. My step dad stepped in without slack when I was their age even before my parents were married and it made a world of difference in my life. I can only pray that this will happen with time for my children.

So, as for the one in my life now I hope the pressure isn’t too much. I just have these hopes and expectations and it’s not just for the sake of soothing my loneliness at times but to create a family for my children and hopefully one day add on more. That’s what’s in this woman’s heart.

One of the hardest things about being a single mom is having to do things like take your child to the doctor when they’re sick by yourself. It really sucks and makes me a bit emotional; though I can’t say I’d be much better if their dad was here because I don’t particularly enjoy his presence. I guess the idea of having extra support there for times like these or even school events just provokes my sentimental side.

It’s great that I can call on my dad to attend father daughter events for my daughter or be my son’s role model and almost idol (he adores my dad) but it’s not the same. I know what’s lacking and I just keep praying for that gap to be filled. I do al that I can as their mom but I’m just their mom. I want them to have what I had. My step dad stepped in without slack when I was their age even before my parents were married and it made a world of difference in my life. I can only pray that this will happen with time for my children.

So, as for the one in my life now I hope the pressure isn’t too much. I just have these hopes and expectations and it’s not just for the sake of soothing my loneliness at times but to create a family for my children and hopefully one day add on more. That’s what’s in this woman’s heart.

The Yellow Doll

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I know I haven’t wrote on this blog on a while but today I discovered something perplexing. I think that which I discovered I feel is worth sharing on this blog.

Today my babies spent time with my sister while I attended class. When i came to pick them up they were watching the Princess and the frog (important note: the first black Disney Princess) and my daughter had in her hand a Barbie toy from McDonald’s. After sitting down to enjoy a little of the movie with my little ones my sister informed me she had something to say about my daughter.

She said, “your daughter doesn’t like blac.k dolls. She cried when they gave her a black doll su McDonald’s today.”

I laughed and told her she was lying.  After all my daughter has black dolls,  I go to an HBCU, I read books about this stuff there’s no way my daughter thinks like this. So,  I asked my daughter and she said, “I don’t like black dolls I want the yellow doll. .. yellow dolls are cute. ”

My little 4 year old beautiful brown skin baby girl, denying her own. How is this possible? She doesn’t even attend a school where she’s a minority. Up until recently she didn’t know the difference between black and white (race). Maybe that’s it, maybe that’s why. Yet I’ve never told her nor lead her to believe that either tone was better than the other.

So, asked her does she think her skin, my skin and my sister’s skin is cute. She replied yes to all. So, I’m at a loss for words. How do I address this? After all the psychology classes I’ve taken when the issue is addressed in studies and videos; the classes I’ve taken they delve into ethnicity and race yet none I thought would hit my home like this. My daughter now is my live example of the little girls in the video that choose the lighter doll over the black one.

I don’t know what hurts more, her discovering race or her denying her own after the fact. In my prefect world she’d be color blind to race still.

How ironic considering all the buzz in the media right now, right?

To be continued. ..

What Virtue Really Is

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Me at 1

I used to think virtue was all about purity. I used to think it was something only evident in those that were devout and pious. I thought that I could only be virtuous if I was drenched in religious affairs.

I was wrong.

I have learned more about virtue through my own humiliating experiences over the past few years, than I did reading and studying Proverbs 31 over and over again. I wanted/want so bad to exemplify the woman in that passage but it wasn’t until I was brought low that I realized virtue comes with humility.

I am not the pure naive girl I was five years ago but I am surely becoming that virtuous woman I studied tirelessly at that time. I have made so many mistakes and ungodly choices that I am ashamed to speak about but I am still seeking to stay pure at heart. I am sure I will make even more mistakes before my time on this earth is up but what is life without experience and these experiences will/have hopefully brought about wisdom. As the saying goes, experience is the best teacher, so I can say I’ve learned from the best.

My many mistakes have caused me to have to juggle many hats and learn different trades just to keep ahead and make it. One of the key things about the woman in Proverbs 31, was her many skills and her business/work ethic. As a single mom I make it my duty to work hard and learn new ways to bring in income for my children and I everyday, so that even without a male’s help I am able to provide for us.  It is my hope that when I do get married my husband does not worry about me being solely after his pockets because I hope to have assets of my own to bring to the table by that point.

Wedding Cake I made

Kindness, something I believed I possessed before but I believe I’m grasping a deeper understanding of it now. I do believe I still have yet to learn but through humiliation my heart has learned how to approach those whom I previously could not understand. As my choices have dragged me through the dirt I can see through my own mess that we are all susceptible to the same sins for we all are human. Who am I to look at the next person in disgust when I am made out of the same dirty flesh that needs to be bathed every day to stay clean.

Her family looks  at her and says she is blessed. This part is truly something I can say humbly. It amazes me when people see in me what I sometimes don’t see in myself. Strangers able to see my heart in conversation and say such wonderful things about me at times I need to hear them the most. My father made the statement that I am blessed and favored and always have been. I can say through all that I have been through I truly have been blessed. I have been given so much and not through wealthy parents or some grand inheritance but just over the course of these trying years and even before now my prayers have been answered. When I was in need that that I needed was provided through one source or another.

On my birthday 2 years ago

So, as I reflect on my current circumstances and try to make sense of my life right now I can only display gratitude for I am only getting that that I asked for. I wanted to become that woman and to become such a woman much is required of me. So as I find myself being humbled time after time I must remember that to be a great woman with a good heart I have to stay in check. I am no perfect person in fact I am far from it but virtue isn’t about perfection; it’s purity of heart, it’s strength in the face of trials, it’s courage in the face of frightening situations, it’s wisdom gained from experience, and patience gained over time.

On my 25th birthday, this year